Improving Your Dialogue

You wrote your rough draft. As you go back over the story, you find dialogues like this one:
 
“Sir, I must ask you to leave,” said one of the counselors.
“Oh, I will leave,” the man said tauntingly, “but the Princess will come with me.”
Counselor Sheg stole from the room, and not a moment too soon. The Queen stood outside, about to enter.
“Your majesty, you must not go in there. This way. Come,” he said urgently.
“Sheg,” she said softly, falling into step with him. “Who is the man in the Assembly Room? Why is he asking for the Princess?”
“We do not know who he is,” Sheg said nervously. “He seems uninformed but dangerous. We are afraid that by Princess, he may have meant . . .”
A scream pulsated through the air.
“That’s Jeob,” the Queen said shrilly.
“Your majesty,” the counselor said quickly, keeping her from turning back. “There are fifteen of our own men in there. Jeob is not the one that will be outnumbered.”
 
How do you refine the conversation?

1. Don´t use the word ¨said¨ too much. Although experts will tell you to use it more than alternative, more descriptive words (demanded, requested, argued, etc.), if it shows more than five times on one page, it might be too much.
2. Reduce “-ly” words. It’s okay to have a couple of adverbs, but it’s often best to find an alternative.
3. For some of the lines, show who is speaking rather than tell it. Instead of “so-and-so said/spoke/announced/etc.,” write something that draws our attention to the specific character, and then write what they say in the same paragraph. For example: Annie flicked her hair. “Is that what they say?”
4. If only two are engaged in conversation, allow a few lines of back-and-forth without mentioning who is speaking each time. The reader can tell who it is. However, don’t continue in this fashion for too long, or it will become difficult for the reader to remember whose turn it is to speak. We don’t want to force anyone to retrace the conversation from the beginning.
5. Mix up at what point in someone’s speech you use said/spoke/announced. Put it before, after, and in the middle of what they say.

 
This is our new and improved version:
 
Counselor Forge raised his chin and said (5), “Sir, I must ask you to leave.”
“Oh, I will leave,” the man taunted (1), “but the Princess will come with me.”
Counselor Sheg stole from the room, and not a moment too soon. The Queen stood outside, about to enter.
“Your majesty, you must not go in there,” he whispered (1 & 5), his voice urgent (2). “This way. Come.”
“Sheg,” she murmured(1), falling into step with him. “Who is the man in the Assembly Room? Why is he asking for the Princess?”
“We do not know who he is. He seems uninformed but dangerous. We are afraid that by Princess, he may have meant . . .” (4 & 2; the word “nervous” is not needed to show the mood)
A scream pulsated through the air.
The Queen’s face paled (3). “That’s Jeob.”
“Your majesty.” The counselor kept her from turning back (3). “There are fifteen of our own men in there. Jeob is not the one that will be outnumbered.”
 
Better? The suspense in the first draft is there, but it’s mired down by adverbs and repeated usage of stale words. The suspense flows in the second draft.

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